Clovers in the Snow

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It is snowing (and icing) here; very treacherous driving. So naturally, I went out!

“Out” means downtown Roanoke – about 35 miles away. And it means going down (and back up) Bent Mountain, which is named that for a reason. It’s a series of switchbacks and sweepers that takes you from the top of the Blue Ridge (where we live) down to the Roanoke valley – an elevation change of about 1,000 feet in less than two miles. In summer, Bent Mountain is perhaps one of the best “public access” road-race courses on the East Coast; if you have a fast bike – or fast car – it is the perfect testing ground. But in winter, it will test your skills in other ways.

Anyhow.  

Got down ok. Went to the gym; got some stuff at the store. Headed home – back up the mountain.

Where I ran into a “Clover.”

This is my term for an idiot driver – in particular, an idiot driver who doesn’t know he’s an idiot driver. In this case, the “Clover” was one of those assholes who doesn’t grasp the concept of momentum when attempting to make it up a steep, snow/ice-slicked grade. Bent Mountain is a 6 percent grade. Even if you have a 4×4 (which I do) when the weather turns to shit, you will not make it up the mountain if you slow to a crawl, let alone stop – which is just what the idiot bastard fuckwit ahead of me did when he espied another vehicle coming down the mountain in the opposite lane.  

Ohhhhhh! Danger! A car is coming the other way! Must stop for saaaaaaaafety! Flashers on! Think of the children!  

So this Clover idjit stops on the 6 percent uphill grade, forcing me to stop, too.

Even in 4WD low, my truck’s ass is now sliding off the road trying to grab hold of some traction. I manage to power out of the trap – going nearly sideways up the road for about 20 yards, front wheels cocked hard right. I get it straightened out, all’s looking good – and there’s the mother fucking Clover again – barely moving his god-damned motherfucking SmoooooooVeeee as the road gets even steeper and slicker.

It is clear to me he’s about to come to a full stop – again – because there’s a caaaaaaaaaarrrrr off to the side of the roooooaaaaaad!!!! Saaaaaaaaafety!

Fuck that – and fuck him.

I power around this inept fuck who should have never left his driveway today and probably shouldn’t be licensed at all – using the opposite lane to do it. I had a window of open road and I took it. Bye bye you dumb son of a bitch. I hope you have to walk 10 miles to a phone after you find yourself halfway up a steep mountain, your SmooooooVeee floundered like a landed sea bass, because you didn’t understand the concept of keeping the fuck moving!

Damn. I’m pissed!

Why don’t these Clovers stay home, where they belong?

It’s almost never the snow that gets you. It’s some Clover who can’t drive, but just has to go out in the middle of a blizzard. 

Throw it in the Woods?

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25 COMMENTS

  1. Why do clovers go out in the snow? Because to realise that they don’t have the skills to handle it requires self-knowledge, the natural enemy of the clover (clovers have few natural enemies, although they are the natural enemy of all drivers). Why don’t they acquire the skills to handle snow? To do that would require realising that they don’t have the skills which again requires self-knowledge.

  2. The Daily Clover!

    Inspired by Swamp and Dom we are gonna have a new category/feature here called The Daily Clover.

    It will be the place to post pics, video and rants about lane-blocking, refuse-to-yield “drivers” who need to be taken off the roads for all our sanity’s sake.

    Details to come….

  3. Thanks for the posts and the great article! I now see the light and will try to be considerate of other drivers and yield to faster-moving traffic. I took an IQ booster this morning and it really cleared my head….

  4. Got stuck behind a Clover tonight on the way home. Nothing like doing 30 in a 45. I bet Clover felt gratified in his ability to affect the two drivers behind him (one of them me). Ahhh, Clovers and their never ended quest to obstruct everyone and attempt to slow the world down to the speed of stupid.

  5. It makes my head want to explode!

    In addition to the primary Clover, I encountered Lesser Clovers during yesterday’s snowstorm too. These were the ass clowns out on the road in ordinary cars – no snow tires or AWD/4WD – attempting to make it up a mountain pass in blizzard conditions. Every one of these LCs ended up in the ditch or – worse – sprawled in the middle of the (narrow) road, blocking the progress of non-Clovers who do know how to deal with snow driving.

    Arghh!

  6. Wonder how many two-leaf Clovers I’ll see on my way to work in the morning? Ya’ll know it’s just a shame Clover isn’t here to represent stupid.

    • Knew you’d dig it!

      These Clovers are a constant problem; like the song says:

      “Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding… “

      • Had to pass another Clover on the way home today… roads are perfectly clear, but Clover had to be saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaage and travel at 41 MPH in a 55 zone. I zipped by him across the double yellow.

        Later, gator!

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