What Would Satan Drive?

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Here are some candidates:

* Bugatti Veyron –

Old Scratch certainly has the scratch necessary to acquire a seven figure chariot of hellfire like the $1.7 million, 16-cylinder, 1,000-horsepower Bugatti super supercar. And with four turbochargers, all-wheel-drive and a top-speed of more than 250 mph, the Veyron has what it takes to run with the devil.

Satan says: “Truly faster and more furious than a plague of locusts; I’ll take two.”

* Hummer H1 Alpha –

It takes almost as much gas to keep this bad boy running down Corollas as it does souls in torment to stoke the flames of the Eternal Pit. Whether it’s rooster-tailing through an endangered species’ delicate habitat or spewing brimstone into the skies and lungs of the damned, the always outre Hummer’s more than up to the job.

Satan says: “I have to deal with pretty rocky terrain sometimes in my neighborhood; and there’s plenty of extra room for my minions.”

* Toyota Prius –

It doesn’t get especially good mileage. It’s slower than cars that do get good gas mileage – and it costs two or three times as much as a normal economy car that also gets better gas mileage. What could possibly be more more diabolical? Plus, it’s ugly!

Satan says: “Fooled ya again!”

* Chrysler 300C Hemi –

The old – ugly – one. Maybe not quite “Body by Plymouth, soul by … well, you know who.” But, close enough. That gangster-grinning front end is the ideal final sight for wayward pedestrians and spandex-clad would-be Tour de Francers unlucky enough to get in His way.

Satan says: “Watch out all you Lance Armstrong wannabees; and make mine Beelzebub Black.”

* Daimler Maybach 62 –

The simple life may work for ol’ goodie-two-sandals, but our guy likes to live large. And with worldly delights that include back seats like Barcaloungers that allow their occupants to fully recline, sued-textured feather-stuffed pillows, a refrigerator/mini bar and (of course) lamb’s wool carpeting, it’s the perfect mobile lounge for discussing the terms and conditions of the sale of your eternal soul.

Satan says: “Trump’s got nothing on me, riding around in that low-rent Prom Night Special Town Car stretch he’s got. Get a better rug, too.”

* Pontiac Aztek –

Of course. Why not give them a preview of what’s to come? The inspiration for this car’s damnation alley styling had to come from the Nether regions – and wherever it travels, there will always be much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Satan says: “No! Keep it away! I repent! You win. Ok?”

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Author of "Automotive Atrocities" and "Road Hogs" (MBI). Currently living amongst the Edentulites in rural SW Virginia.

13 COMMENTS

    • The Car! Yes, James Brolin…. great low-rent horror sci-fi.

      There’s another one with Chad Lowe; can’t remember the name. It has a character called Hell Cop….

  1. If cyclists are “Lance Armstrong wannabees” then a guy who spends his time fanstsizing about fast cars should be honest enough to call himself a “man with a functioning erection wannabee”

    Maybe you could start writing reviews of Viagra and Cialis instead of cars.

    • C’mon, man – get a sense of humor! I didn’t say all cyclists are Lance Armstrong wannabees – but some definitely are, just as some dudes use a Viper or 911 to show how macho they are … just as you described them. And both are characterized by their dickheadedness; the would-be Tour de Francers by their spandex-clad road hogging on roads they have no business riding on (such as narrow country roads with no shoulders, blind curves and 45 MPH or faster traffic flow) or by riding two abreast or in packs, blocking in the cars behind them. The penis-envy Porscho-files by their tailgating and weaving. Etc. You know it, I know – the American people know it!

    • Damn, the jig is up! Eric, now you can release all the secret reviews of boner medications you’ve been holding back! Please start off with that review about the lotion that is applied and then rubbed in vigorously that increases size instantly! -that’s a good one

  2. All above candidates are completely wrong! It’s the wrong angle totally. Satan would be on a motorcycle. There is no way He would be rolling around in a cage. He would be on a Boss Hoss without a doubt!

  3. How about the original Lincoln Futura show car, in suede black, blackwalls, and a red tinted canopy. Or a realllly chopped 49 merc, with black out windows, and no doubt, flamethrowers in the exhaust.Or for sneaking around to grab a particularly tricky soul, how about a gold Camry…

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