Santa’s been running late because of all the speed traps and Clovers out there. Not to mention the endless meetings with his legal team to make sure the factory’s in compliance with the latest workplace safety rules – and the elves happy with the terms of their latest contract.
Thank God the sleigh doesn’t have to have a catalytic converter.
There have been rumblings, though, about his operation of an open sleigh without a helmet – and the need to fit said sleigh with Daytime Running Lamps to improve its visibility. It does not meet current federal bumper impact standards and Rudolph’s red nose is clearly a problem as it could be construed as impersonating an emergency vehicle.
It will have to go.
Then there is the issue of Santa’s time behind the reigns. DOT rules say no more than 11 hours in a given 24. Luckily, Christmas eve is just one night – but Santa had better keep his logs straight, just in case.
His “papers,” too.
Santa should expect to be stopped several times at various checkpoints – where a bearded male with headgear will surely arouse suspicion of evil-doing. What could be under that thick coat? What’s in that bag? Isn’t red the color of martyrdom? Has he been drinking tonight? Just look at that red nose. Spread ’em! Santa should be prepared for his Enhanced Pat Down and Body Cavity Search.
Hopefully Missus Klaus will have laundered his underthings. And he better have a bail bondsman on his speed dial.
Meanwhile, those reindeer.
Aren’t reindeer endangered? What is this man doing with these animals? Has he got a permit? Where are their tags? Have they been properly vaccinated, spayed or neutered as per Law? Does Santa have a legal rider on his insurance to cover possible injury to The Children from hooves, teeth and fleas?
He does have a scooper and baggies, right?
But there are more important issues to be dealt with than Santa’s obvious recklessness and lack of concern for safety. By what standard, exactly, does this old white male determine who is “naughty” and who is “nice”? Is there disparate impact? It has come to our attention that some people in some neighborhoods don’t receive the same amount or quality of presents.
Santa’s actions show clear bias.
Affirmative Action is required to correct this.
No justice, no peace!
Santa has provided no record whatsoever of his dealings with the public. It appears that he operates at whim – and without regard to outcomes, the self-esteem of the children or the good of the community. Children have possibly been damaged. Surely, every child is “nice” – just as every child can aspire to be president or an NFL quarterback. “Naughty” is judgmental.
It is cruel for Santa to suggest otherwise.
Moreover, children of color are entitled to a Santa from their own community, who is more representative of diversity. It has not gone unnoticed that there isn’t a single elf of color in the entire workshop – and apparently, no female elves, either. Santa is running a closed shop. A patriarchy. He is not representative of the great mosaic. He may be a racist and misogynist and is probably flouting child labor laws, too.
All this must change!
The old white guy, meanwhile, may finally have had enough.
It gets tiring complying with all these forms, fending off all these bureaucrats – worrying about lawsuits and, just perhaps, a black-clad Ninja no-knock raid on his factory to ascertain just where those toys came from and whether the elves are there of their own free will. He well remembers what happened at Waco to those other wackos – and isn’t interested in a repeat. He knows what happens to people who appear “different” in the Homeland. No doubt someone has Seen Something… and Said Something. Landing on people’s roofs; slinking down chimneys. Leaving packages unattended. It is all very suspicious.
Santa has a heart condition, you know. He doesn’t particularly want to risk being Tasered for “resisting.” He and the missues – and the elves, too – just want to be left in peace. Maybe some hot chocolate by a nice warm fire. People can’t even accept free gifts anymore without presenting a laundry list of conditions and demands.
So, this might be the last run for awhile.
I wrote a similar article for LRC a few years ago.
The gov’t controls EVERY aspect of your life. You are a slave. Period.
Except most are of unaware of it. We have “soft” or “invisible” slavery. You’re permitted the fiction of ownership, for example. But the reality is none of us truly owns anything beyond whatever small items we can carry and the clothes we wear. Just exactly like the more obvious slaves of the plantation. Only our massa lets us pretend we own a corner of the plantation… so long, that is, as we keep picking that cotton….
Correct Eric. You don’t own your gold. The gov’t confiscated gold during the depression. You don’t own your land. Try not paying your property taxes. You don’t own your income. Try not paying your income taxes. You don’t own your own body. Try smoking pot in front of the police station. You are a wholey owned subsidiary of the U.S. gov’t. Gov’t property with an inventory number (SSN) and all.
You guys are discussing a subject that’s been more apparant to me with each passing year I spend on this planet. You might enjoy Stefan Molyneaux’ discourse on it, the more I research, the more sense he makes to me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xbp6umQT58A
Glenn, thanks for this … I think. Painful to watch.
“Freedom metastasizes the cancer of the state.” Gah, there’s a message of hope, eh?
You know what’s really painful? People who struggle to be awakened or live their lives in an awakened state are the very ones for whom videos like this aren’t necessary (though they serve as a useful reminder). It’s for those who are asleep … but they won’t watch. Even if you tied a farm animal to a chair and forced him to watch, even if you taped his mouth shut so he couldn’t loudly sing LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA to block the message, even then he wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t hear.
It’s as Molyneux says: “We can only be kept in the cages we refuse to see.”
What’s worse is that people who can see the problems, complain about the problems, even talk very much libertarian on many issues refuse to think about doing things differently. They can’t conceptualize it being different. So they just complain and then lash out if anyone suggests a real solution for their complaints.
Following the channel I found this video: “How to Win Political Arguments” Stefan Molyneux from Freedomain Radio Speaks in New Hampshire http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UD_1nbahAts
Quite right Don and Eric, it’s depressing too. SSN = Socialist Slave Number
Oh, now it makes sense Don–you’re THAT Don from LRC!
Kudos. I greatly enjoy your articles.
Oh, you’re the one who reads them. Thanks!
LOL don’t worry I forward them to my Dad too!
Yeah Methyl, I finally made the connection the other day when Coop linked back to his article on LRC from 2008. When I checked it out, I realized I’d read back when it was first published (along with most of his others).
Coop: You’ve written some great acticles, keep it up! There are a lot of people that read them and you are making a difference. I consider it quite an honor just to be allowed to post along side guys like you and Eric.
Thanks buddy. Those are encouraging words. 😉
A lot of toys come assembly required, but he puts them together before leaving them under the tree. Is he licensed to do so? If it’s a ride-on toy, think of the liability if something breaks.
Doesn’t he sometimes leave food he cooks in private kitchens?
It’s not just about licensing Puzzled, this is a labor violation. Clover recently brought up the issue of unions. If Santa’s assembling toys,that may be a violation of the United Artic Workers contract he has with Elves Local 1225. He’s doing THEIR work and keeping other elves out of the workforce, the bourgeois pig! There’s also the issue of diversity to consider. There are no women at the shop besides Mrs. Claus and she’s obviously oppressed. All the Elves are male so he’s clearly ignoring EEO rules. I think the Elves should file a grievance against him with their steward and turn him in to the NLRB. Before it’s over with they could get a 3% raise and force ol’ St. Nick to hire two Brownies, three Faeries and a Leprechaun. Ain’t socialism grand!?
“Thank God the sleigh doesn’t have to have a catalytic converter” you say, huh?
Don’t you know that our Moloch of a State is a jealous deity and brooks no competition?!?
It’s very, very hungry too. I think a case could be made that by holding up another deity, you not only show you are an apostate to the greater Authority, but an Evil Scofflaw for mocking the perfectly sensible environmental regulations it so graciously provides For Your Own Good, and therefore..yes…a TURRIST!
Gitmo’s too good for you, buster!
Since you mention how suspicious Santa is, did you ever hear Arlo Guthrie’s “The Pause of Mr. Claus?’
Speaking of that goody two shoes Santa, you might want to drop by my blog; this week I discuss the Krampus, the yang to Santa’s yin whose origins were in Austria.
He’s the REAL reason that naughty kiddies worry around Christmas time…and worry they should. Take a look and you’ll see why I wish I could send him the list of every goon who signed onto that vile NDAA. He’d show them the real meaning of terror…heh heh heh
Santa commits a great amount of crimes every Christmas eve. Sliding down the chimney IS breaking and entering. He does this over and over and over. Yet he is able to evade motion detector burglar alarms. He is able to spy in our homes. He knows who is naughty or nice. He must have an information sharing agreement with Heimat Gestapo.
He a a perculiar facination with children. Boys and GIRLS. He is obviously some kind of pervert. Why before Christmas he has little boys and girls sit on his lap. Hmm… tisk tisk tisk. Does he get an FBI background check?
What is his source of funding for all this benevolence? Enquiring minds want to know. Highly suspicious…..
And when’s the last time his workshop was inspected by the EPA, OSHA, USDA, CPSC or Customs? Does he use lead-free paint? Are his plush toys free of metal and plastic parts? Are his fabrics non-flammable? Has he paid all requisite import fees? Is he in compliance with all Arctic shipping regulations?
Merry Christmas, everyone.
He would if he lived in the UK. Any person coming into regular contact with children – and that does include santa Claus(es) – in stores and play areas has to have cleared a CRB (Criminal Records Bureau)check prior to being employed.
That was great! Less than eleven years ago,this would have been an entertaining, but far fetched piece. Now, it seems All Too Real.
I’m sure they’d like to arrange another Waco for Santa, and everyone who believes in what “Christmas” represents. But despite their best efforts, I’m betting on St Nick. 😉
Merry Christmas to you, and all your readers!
Likewise, Mike – thanks!
But Santa operates outside US jurisdiction, so labor laws don’t matter.
If anything, Canadian maritime law should apply.
Ah, but once he enters US airpsace… and without a transponder!
Merry Christmas everyone!