Elon Musk can be credited with sexing up EeeeeeeVeeeees – which has helped to lube up the dildo of “electrification.” After all, if you’re going to get it from behind, getting it from a sexy thing is perhaps preferable to getting it from a homely thing.
Which is what pre-Tesla EeeeeeeeeVeeeeees were, of course. They looked like the vehicular analogs of Soviet-era babushka women and were just as sexy. But then – like the Soviet babushka – these first-generation EeeeeeeVeeeees were built to be practical rather than sexy. They didn’t go far, either. And they were ludicrously slow. But for exactly those two reasons, they were at least relatively cheap.
But the problem was that few wanted to buy them, even so. For the same reason that most people would rather not date a bubashka if there’s a sexier alternative available.
Elon provided it.
Well, he succeeded in getting the government to force then-legitimate businesses (i.e., the other car companies, before they became amen-adjuncts of the government – and vice-versa) to subsidize his, via the mechanism (“carbon credits” and “zero emissions” regulations) this column has explicated at length previously (see here if interested).
This subsidization enabled Elon to throw considerations of practicality and cost to the winds, like an early Jeffrey Dahmer disposing of the remains of his first victims. He built cost-no-object high-performance EeeeeeeVeeeees, begininng with converted Lotus sports cars and evolving from there to Tesla-built high-performance luxury sedans such as the six-figure Model S and the $50k-plus “entry-level” Model 3. The latter being a car equivalent – in terms of what it costs – to a BMW 5 Series or Mercedes E-Class though the Model 3 is the same size as a Honda Civic sedan and the interior of the thing, with its bleak sweeps of plastic and single oversized and off-center LCD touchcreen has the ambiance of a “high-tech” early ’80s Chevette.
Still, the cars looked sharp and there’s no denying it. There’s certainly no denying, at any rate, that they did not look Babushka-like. This is what made it feasible, in terms of marketing and public relations – to create an image of EeeeeeeeVeeees and EeeeeeeeeVeeee ownership that appeared . . . sexy. This being essential to getting people to regard them as such. In order to get them to not raise impertinent questions regarding their depraved lack of practicality and their mobility-disfranchising cost. The idea there being to keep the critics quiet – by drowning their criticisms in a chorus of awe eructed, largely, from the yaps of know-nothings and well-paid “media” stool pigeons.
But now it looks like Tesla’s going to get it in the rear, too. Unlubed. Along with the other purveyors of EeeeeVeeees, which is all of them – all of them having followed Elon’s leader, so to speak. Every new EeeeeeVeeeeee hikes up its skirt to titillate the mark with the sex appeal of silent quickness – in order to unfocus the mind of the mark on the “high-maintenance girlfriend” nature of these high-performance, low-practicality EeeeeeeeVeeeees.
Put another way: None of the purveyors of EeeeeeeeeeVeeeeees have on offer a single EeeeeeeeeeVeeeeee that isn’t costly as well as impratical. These two attributes can coexist when there are enough people with money to indulge impractical and expensive vehicles.
It passed just a week or so ago, though most haven’t noticed it yet. The sign by the side of the road that read: Do Not Pass Go. That sign being the serial interest rate hikes promised by the thing styled the “Fed” – which is “federal” like Federal Express. Meaning it is a private concern, concerned with its private profit. But – unlike Federal Express – there is no alternative to the “Fed.” It controls the money supply as well as what you’ll pay to be suplied wiith it (i.e., interest).
And just as rising interest rates on home loans will do to home sales what salt does to slugs, so also will be done to new car loans. To new EeeeeeeeVeeeee loans. The cost of financing a new $50k Tesla – or even a $30k Chevy Bolt – is going up, at just the moment that the purchasing power of the average Joe is going down – courtesy of Joe. The people who counted on selling their homes or extracting equity loans from them will shortly be unable to, further reducing the amount of free-range capital available to indulge the impractical and expensive.
And there is nothing, EeeeeeeVeeeee-wise, to salve the situation – courtesy of the machinations of one man, Elon Musk, who singlehandedly transformed the image and so the actuality of EeeeeeVeeeeees from homely but inexpensive and plausibly practical (for short hops, at least) babushkas into sexed-up, high-priced rent girls that most people cannot afford to rent.
Of course, the wake turbulence will not disturb Elon himself much, if at all. For just as he succeeded in getting others to finance his dream car, so also others will be left holding the bag for the costs of it.
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