What do you do when you are a divorced middle-aged dude looking for female companionship? You go online.
One of the pratfalls of this, I’ve discovered, is that most of the online sites are populated by . . . “curvy” chicks.
That is, overweight chicks.
Often, severely so. Morbidly obese. Most dudes aren’t looking for a date who weighs more than they do. Not me, at any rate. But there they are: One side of beef after the next. I do not mean to be mean.
But why are so many girls so fat?
Lots of fat guys, too – I realize this. But that is neither here nor there since I am neither a fat guy myself nor in the market for one.
Where are all the non-“curvy” women?
And, please – spare me the euphemisms. You are not “curvy.” You are fat. A weighty waddler. A non-portion-controller. You eat too much – and exercise too little. A Porsche 911 is curvy.
Gawd. Bad enough getting divorced; the psychological/emotional brutality of that. Much worse is the prospect of one Large Marge after the next. Cellulite and diabeetus. Hungry, hungry hippos… .
Truth in advertising. It is not “OKCupid.” It is OCowCupid.
Plenty of Fish?
More like Plenty of Fat.
And what is it with the serial nose rings? Overnight, they abound – like a bad case of carpenter ants.
I dunno, maybe it’s on account of me being a Gen Xer, from an era when attractive girls didn’t emulate pygmies of the jungle dark by poking holes in their flesh on purpose. In any event, artificial holes in the body are not appealing. Not healthy, either. Especially in the nose. Think about what is inside the typical nose. Now add a couple of holes – plus a piece of metal to, you know, grab hold of the stuff that tends to flow out of noses… .
Vomitous. Besides which, who wants to kiss a tackle box?
And when every last girl has the same nose ring? It is the female equivalent of the idiotic Van Dyke beard that every other guy now sports. Along with the apparently obligatory barbed wire tattoos that almost all men in their 20s and 30s (and women, too) now have.
Am I alone in regarding tattoos as things for SEALs – and skanks? How does a cartoon or gothic lettering, gangster-style – inked on some chick’s arms and shoulders make her more sexy?
If she already was, she is now less so.
And if she was not . . . ? Recall James Carville’s quip about dragging a $20 bill through a trailer park.
Picture her – not at 25 – but at 55.
A whole box of Viagra will not rouse the flesh, then.
When did mutilation become cool?
But it’s the lemming-like Me-Tooing that annoys me more than the tattoos (and nose rings) themselves. They are as original – and as interesting – as a parking lot full of Camrys.
What may have been novel and daring when the one Bad Girl in the group did it becomes trite when all the girls do it. Especially when they are also fat.
Toss in a liking for rap or EDM music. Salt with some vocal fry.
Well, the word is the Japanese are near to perfecting the robotic Sex Chick. She looks real, she feels real – and you can get her without nose rings and tattoos and she will never grow “curvy” or divorce you, either.
Plus, when you’re done, you can push the Off button, roll her under the bed and go to sleep, untroubled.
Happy Fourth, everyone…
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