The best way to not get what is blandly styled a “ticket” – i.e., a demand note for money backed by the implicit threat of violence for non-payment – is to avoid getting one. And the best way to achieve that purpose is to recognize the armed government workers who issue them before they recognize you.
Some will bleat, just obey traffic laws!
The problem there is there are so many traffic laws that it is practically impossible to obey all of them all of the time. And even if you do, it still doesn’t matter – if an AGW decides he wants to “pull you over” – i.e., threaten to beat/manacle/murder you if you don’t. There are so many basis for what are styled “pretextual stops” – i.e., some discretionary arcana that can be used as an excuse to “pull you over,” such as the AGW claiming he saw your tire wander onto the double yellow, or that he saw you texting or that your license plate is partially obscured – that obeying the laws is at best a partially effective countermeasure.
A more effective one is to suss out the swine.
To know one when you see one. So that he (or she) doesn’t see you.
This is much easier to do in the United States than in many other countries, where any car (or truck or crossover/SUV) could be hiding an AGW.
An older Subaru – or a brand-new minivan. You never know, until it’s too late.
Here, one of the few remaining fumes of freedom still lingering is a prohibition on the use by AGWs of “civilian” vehicles for traffic enforcement. That is not to say that vehicles used by AGWs aren’t also used by “civilians” – an odd term used by AGWs to denote us vs. them, even though they are also civilians, just like us, since AGWs aren’t the military – at least not formally and not yet.
AGWs do use some of the same types of vehicles that we do. But AGWs aren’t allowed to use any vehicle – and there are certain kinds of vehicles they never use, so you can know you are safe when you’re around these.
These include all foreign-brand vehicles. You don’t have to worry about any Japanese, Korean, German, Indian (Jaguar/Land Rover are owned by Tata Motors of India) or Chinese (Volvo is owned by Geely Motors of China) vehicle being an AGW-mobile-in-mufti. This eliminates easily half of the cars on the road at any given time.
More can be eliminated from the roster of potential threats, including all luxury-brand cars. Cadillacs, Lincolns – even Buicks.
Minivans are always safe.
As a general rule, you can exclude coupes/sports cars, too – though it’s important to be careful around some, because there are few gangs of AGWs who prowl the streets using unmarked Ford Mustangs and Camaros. However, nine-plus times out of ten, these will not be threats.
You can increase those odds – in your favor – by looking for the usual tells, such as heavily tinted glass, the outline of “wig wag” lights visible in the grill up front or behind the rear glass, in back. Small/unusual antennas. Check the plates; those affixed to AGW-mobiles often look different than “civilian plates.” If you see “for official use only,” it’s a swine. And yes, it is swinish to earn your keep by seizing other people’s earnings on behalf of the government.
A good radar detector is also essential as it can identify a porker in mufti your eyes may have missed. Listen for the tell-tale beep.
It’d be fun if they oinked.
This leaves a relative handful of makes/models to be on alert for – and careful around – whenever you see one. Once you become familiar with their silhouettes – in the manner of World War II sailors learning to recognize the silhouettes of enemy battleships at a distance – you will be able to greatly reduce your chances of being “pulled over.”
Here’s the roster:
Ford Explorer and Chevy Tahoe –
The Ford seems to be the preferred model but both should be regarded with suspicion until known to be safe. Any color is possible, but AGWs seem to prefer fleet white, dark blue and black. Both marked and unmarked examples are out there, snuffling the ground.
Other SUVs (and all pick-up trucks) are generally safe.
All crossovers are generally safe, too. AGWs like the Explorer and Tahoe SUVs because they are rear-wheel-drive and heavier duty than car-based/FWD-AWD crossovers.
Dodge Charger and Ford Taurus/Ford Fusion –
These are the preferred cars of “law enforcement,” especially the Charger – because it’s rear-drive and is available with a V8. Can’t blame the AGWs for liking that. Sometimes, you will see an AGW driving a Chevy Malibu but these are much less common than the Charger and Taurus – and the Malibu and Taurus have the virtue of being easier to suss out because other than AGWs, almost no one who isn’t elderly drives either of them. If you see an old person driving one, it’s almost always safe. If you see a younger guy driving one, it may not be.
If you do see one, ease your speed back and fade away into the crowd; let other cars sidle beside the AGW at traffic lights. Avoid letting one get on your “six” – i.e., behind you. If you’re driving with dead tags, an out-of-date “safety” sticker or anything else that could draw unwanted attention, discreetly/nonchalantly turn off the road and let the AGW cruise on by.
If you’re not noticed, you can’t be “ticketed.”
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