Self-Locking Tesla

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I wrote recently about the dangerous imbecility of what is marketed by Tesla and other vehicle manufacturers as “self-driving” cars that require the person sitting behind the wheel to be ready to intervene at all times. In other words, to drive the “self-driving” car when the tech fails to notice a deer (or a kid) that has wandered into its  path. In other words, the car is not really “self-driving.” But the driver is egged on to not be ready to intervene at all times.

Because – hey – the car is “self-driving.”

Now behold the self-locking Tesla.

A woman getting ready for Halloween got a trick that wasn’t a treat after she put her toddler in her Tesla and it locked the toddler inside. “The door won’t open,” the woman’s husband exclaimed. “I don’t understand,” the woman replied. “I’m trying the app” – mark that – “the handle won’t work.”

“I was terrified . . .my child was screaming . . . ”

A Fox News reporter added more: “The manual key”- which is actually an electronic card similar to the ones now commonly used in hotels to unlock the door to the room –  “didn’t do anything.” Neither did “restarting the Tesla app.” And “despite the vehicle itself being fully charged, none of the doors would open.”

Luckily, a window had been left slightly cracked open, so the toddler didn’t suffocate. Also, the Tesla was parked, so the toddler wasn’t in danger of drowning because she couldn’t get out because the windows wouldn’t roll down, as happened to the sister-in-law of the Dirty Turtle – Senator Mitch McConnell – a few months back when she inadvertently backed up her device into a pond, causing the electronics to fritz.

Including the electronically controlled windows and locks.

This time, the fritz was caused by a battery problem. Not the usual battery problem. A problem with the other battery. The 12 volt starter battery that Teslas and other devices have, in addition to the massive battery pack that stores the electricity that powers the device’s motors.

In a Tesla device, the 12V starter battery supplies  power to accessories such as the door locks. Which – in a Tesla – are of course controlled entirely electrically. In the Before Time – when even cars that had power locks also had manual up/down lock releases – you could use a coat hanger to open a locked door, even if the battery was dead. And so long as you had a physical key, it didn’t matter whether the battery was dead. The door could be locked/unlocked just the same.

But that was back when cars still had exterior locks to put a key into – as opposed to having an “app” on your device or swiping a card near your device (or having a fob in your pocket or purse recognized by your device).

Eventually, the cops arrived and got the door open. “We all cheered,” the woman said. But what if time had been of the essence? What if it had been a 100 degree day – and the window hadn’t been already cracked open? Teslas have laminated side glass, so they are much harder to smash. That fact appears to have contributed to the drowning of the Dirty Turtle’s sister-in-law. Would-be rescuers were reportedly unable to break the glass to get her our before the car slipped below the surface.

Astoundingly, the woman who found herself locked out of her device – with her toddler inside the device – told Fox that “one of the things she really likes about Tesla is that she usually gets warnings and updates about any and all issues.”

Italics added.

Does unlocking a car need to be this complicated?

Perhaps it is nice to receive “warnings and updates about any and all issues” from a device, via a device. But when cars weren’t devices, “issues” like this didn’t crop up. If you found you’d locked yourself out of your vehicle, it  was just a minor annoyance. You’d call home to have your wife (or husband) or whomever drive to where you were with a spare key. Or you’d open it up with a coat hanger. If that failed, any locksmith could get you in.

If a kid happened to be in the car, all the kid had to do was pull up the  knob – something any kid older than a toddler can do to get out of a car, if necessity requires. And if a kid younger than that happened to be locked inside and no key or coat hanger was at hand and it was very hot out, you could always smash the glass. Because in the Before Time, only the windshield was laminated.

And about those “warnings and updates” . . .

Fox says the woman didn’t get one about the tired state of her device’s 12 V battery until after it had already died. So when it just died, her toddler almost died. Or might have.

“It seems to be a problem,” the woman told Fox.

Of course, the real problem is these devices – which make things that were simple and reliable into complicated and dangerous.

That’s the “update” for today.

. . .

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41 COMMENTS

  1. Don’t even get me started about the Braunability 2019 Chrysler minivan we bought because my husband is disabled and in a wheelchair. It has the stupid touch screen although at least it’s not gigantic like some. You have to have an app and subscribe to their subscription service to get updates about the vehicle, apparently, as I got no warning the two batteries went dead that it requires because of the stupid auto stop/start (which I turn off at every opportunity). Half the time it beeps at me about something or other. I still haven’t figure out the supposed parking brake. I hate driving automatics anyway but my husband can’t even get in his 2002 GMC 1500 2wd anymore so there’s no choice but to use the minivan with ramp. It’s a nice van for what it is; I still drive an old VW van when not driving my husband so there’s a ton more room in the VW as the Chrysler/Dodge vans are more soccer-mom friendly – they’re car-like.

  2. OT:

    You might find this of interest. From: https://votingmachines.procon.org/historical-timeline/

    I found out the creeps started massively frauding our elections in 2002 with the “help america vote act” which was really the “help america get frauded act”, and their national commission with ~4 billion dollars to replace all honest/perfect lever machines (mechanical voting machines) across America with their new-fangled electronic machines (AKA FRAUD machines). The punch-card machines had all sorts of problems and were insecure, so in the name of getting rid of those, they ALSO got rid of the honest lever machines, so they could implement their massive automatic fraud system. Some lever machines were still in use for a few more years or so but almost all of them were replaced. So the creeps have been MASSIVELY FRAUDING OUR ELECTIONS since 2002.

    Just so you know when it all started. So the PERFECT SOLUTION TO ELIMINATE ALL ELECTION FRAUD is to simply use the lever machines (they have to be built because the creeps destroyed all of them).


    Oct. 29, 2002 – George W. Bush Signs the Help America Vote Act
    President George W. Bush signs the first law to specifically address voting technology. The Help America Vote Act of 2002 (HAVA) is “an act to establish a program to provide funds to States to replace punch card voting systems, to establish the Election Assistance Commission to assist in the administration of Federal elections and to otherwise provide assistance with the administration of certain Federal election laws and programs, to establish minimum election administration standards for States and units of local government with responsibility for the administration of Federal elections, and for other purposes.”

    The Help America Vote Act of 2002 is signed into law in an effort to improve voting systems across the country. The law mandates that all polling places have at least one handicap-accessible voting device, guarantees that any voter not appearing on a registration list has the right to cast a provisional vote, assures that all voters have the opportunity to review their selections before casting a ballot, establishes the Election Assistance Commission, and authorizes $3.9 billion in federal funds for replacing lever machines and punchcard voting systems with either DREs or optical scan systems with accessible ballot marking devices.

    2002 – US Election Assistance Commission (EAC) Is Established
    Following passage of the Help America Vote Act (HAVA), the US Election Assistance Commission (EAC) is established. The EAC is tasked with providing support and technical guidance on the administration of federal elections, disbursing the funds allocated under HAVA, developing a new set of standards, implementing a new program for testing and certifying voting machines, and serving as a clearinghouse of election information.

  3. The suck is with all the ambulance chasing class action lawyers, is that if tesla redresses any shortcomings like adding an explosive bolt or manual handle, they would be admitting fault and open themselves to lawsuits by glitch mcconnel so change is unlikely to happen.

  4. What should have been an interesting topic — namely, which auto makers survive — gets completely botched by an idiot journo who still assumes the market is going all electric:

    EV apocalypse: Which brands might not survive the electric revolution?

    ‘The recent plateauing of EV demand has put additional pressure on manufacturers that have gone all in on EVs. For those that haven’t, it may be too late.

    ‘The legacy companies already have full-fledged internal combustion engine (ICE)-based vehicle lineups to produce and generate profits from. The good news is that this gives them a revenue stream that they can invest in EV production.

    ‘The bad news is that their legacy operations make it more difficult to fully commit to the changes necessary to produce EVs in the best possible way. It can be hard to fully embrace the future when you are financially wedded to the past.’

    https://www.autoblog.com/news/which-brands-may-not-survive-the-ev-transition

    GAHHH! Had to stop reading there. The stupid, it burns!

  5. ‘Gimmick’ should have been Elon’s middle name.
    He seems to have an endless supply of those.
    Some work, or at least sort of do.
    Many do not, but plenty of people still can’t wait to hand over the money to have them.
    Like ‘self-driving’, for example.
    And here lies the real problem: The sheer number of ‘drivers’ who think owning a Tesla is ‘cool’ and ‘the best car evah…!’
    A little while ago I watched a video about a woman in Australia, who, despite having endless series of problems with her Model Y, nevertheless convinced her husband to buy a SECOND Tesla for himself!
    Her reason was that even though the ‘autopilot’ wasn’t quite perfect, and she’d had ‘several close calls’ while driving while it was engaged, both she and her husband ‘really appreciated not having to pay attention to traffic, while driving home after a long day at work’!
    Once upon a time, such specimens as these ones would have been eliminated by natural selection.
    These days, they thrive, they breed and they ‘work’ for the government.

  6. Just wait for the hot summer day a kid is locked in the car and thermal runaway starts.

    Thank god nothing happened. However dangerous these gimmicks may be, leaving a todler in the car while you go to the shops has long been frowned upon in our society. Unfortunatly the common response to this has been letting CPS kidnap your kid, drug them, chop their penis off and send them to live with human traffickers.

  7. “Would-be rescuers were reportedly unable to break the glass to get her our before the car slipped below the surface.”

    What? Do Teslas have bulletproof windows or something?

    • No. If memory serves, The Turtle’s sister in law is … Korean … ?

      That demographic wouldn’t want to risk the potential salvage value of the parts of the car which water wouldn’t effect.

      Plus, the story indicates that everyone was muy stinko drunk in Blanco, Texas.

      People come to Austin to get seriously hammered.

    • The side windows in Teslas are laminated, like windshields have been forever. They’re not bulletproof but being laminated does make them difficult to break. This is intentional because while plain glass breaks easily it does so into sharp pieces that can cut you up pretty good.

      Laminated safety glass came into use for windshields as a pretty early improvement in cars. Without it you could get a face full of glass shards every time a rock hits it, never mind being thrown through one or having it throw glass everywhere in an accident. Using it on side glass is pretty recent, I think mandated by law now. In any case it’s more expensive and not quite as important as in the windshield but it’s hard to argue against it being safer in accidents and is kind of a theft deterrent. It’s not impossible to break but you have to wail on it pretty long with a bat to get through so a thief is unlikely to want to hanging around that long. Fire departments have a slick tool they use to cut through laminated glass for this reason.

      https://youtu.be/MAaOEwPrXbA

      • I should have clarified that for safety side windows for a long time were just tempered glass, which breaks super easy and does so into small, relatively dull pieces compared to plate glass that is the dangerous one that breaks into long knife-like pieces. It’s only recently that they started using laminated glass on the sides.

  8. The whole idea that someone would need an app to open the doors in their car (electric car or otherwise) is just a whole new level of insanity. I am of the “if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it” notion. Keys and locks have worked just fine for many decades so there is no reason not to continue to use them. Yes, keys can be stolen, but as this news story demonstrates (and that of the lady who drowned in the pond) if something goes wrong, it can cause a lot of problems.
    My 2016 Honda HRV no longer has an ignition key, just a fob that I have to remember is in my purse (as I no longer have the visual cue of the key in the ignition). I am not crazy about that, but at least it does have a hidden key to be able to unlock the doors if the fob or car battery dies. The “features” on this car (it does have a small touch screen) are about the most I am willing to tolerate. Anything more “advanced” than that is a bridge too far.

    • I agree, Lee –

      It’s just another gimmick. And an expensive one, too. I can get a new key cut for my ’02 Nissan for less than $10. Some of the new car fobs cost hundreds to replace.

      • Thankfully, my newer Camry has old fashioned keys in addition to the stupid Fobs. And no push-button start/ignition! But an App now? What the hell? On a side note, about a month ago I was at the grocery store, and the lady in front of me was trying to pay for her groceries with an App on her phone. It took forever, and in the end, the app failed, and she had to leave her bagged groceries behind. Also, you might find this interesting, Eric: My friend has a brand new, Subaru Forester, which she loves, sans the safety crap I helped her turn off. Well, this Summer she was parked in a parking lot, and when she clicked the “unlock” key on her FOB, it also unlocked the Subaru Forester that happened to be parked next to her. Just in case anyone thought this computerized, “connected”, Big Brother crap in our vehicles was not creepy enough.

          • Oh, also, the wireless remotes and even immobilizer keys can be hacked in various ways such as listening and copying them with a 3rd party radio. Thieves can sit near the vehicle and snoop when you press the button, record the interaction and wait until you’re gone to open the door and steal your stuff or the car. It’s possible that’s what could have been going on with your friend, a criminal with a stinger or something like that. It’s actually more common than you’d think, the box can be hacked together from Alibaba parts.

        • This isn’t impossible in theory although extremely unlikely statistically. It’s like winning the lottery, the chances are very small. Those remote fobs are unique codes that range in length from 64 to 128 bits typically so there’s a lot of potential identifiers but not infinite.

          Anyway, you program your car (or for that matter garage door openers and other remotes use the same technology) to listen for them by putting it into learn and pushing all the remote you want to use within a time window, usually about 30 seconds. Cars have a limited number of remotes they can use, generally 4 to maybe 8. If you own multiple cars that use the same remotes, like Subaru, you can actually program them all to use the same fobs if you want.

          This is different than the RFID chip in the key itself that starts the car, known as the engine immobilizer. This chip is one-time use. When you pair with the car it’s a two-way assignment, the RFID itself will always be tied to that car with it’s VIN or other secret key value stored inside the immobilizer. That key can only ever practically start that car. There again, it’s not quite accurate to say “never” but now you have two random large variables that have to align so it goes from one in a million chance to one in a trillion. All encryption and security is a game of probability and statistics. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is 100% impossible. It’s just a question of how unlikely it is.

          In both cases programming the door remotes or immobilizer keys requires clearing all the existing values out. You can have the car relearn an existing door lock remote or starting key if you want if it’s been used before when you add new ones. But if an existing key is not included in the learning process time window it won’t work going forward, at least until you repeat the learning process and have it ready it go.

          FWIW, this is why when you buy a house you should have the gargae door remotes cleared and relearned. It protects you from the previous owner either accidentally or intentionally “finding” an old remote and being able to open your garage door.

          • I was aware of the garage door remotes and how you can reset and change the codes. The key fobs just sound like a real headache, though, and wish there was a non fob option. At this point not having a push button ignition was a plus. I have tried opening up the drivers door with just the key and it works fine. Your post was very informative and it makes me never want to use the fob to lock or unlock the vehicle again though.

    • No doubt, someone Patented the concept of unlocking the doors with the app and will collect royalty checks until the protection expires

  9. Might want to drive to a place that sells cars that you can get in and out of with not much problem-o.

    “I sold my real estate.” – Colonel Douglas Macgregor

    Might be some food for thought there.

    I did see a Cybertruck way out west in the Fort Collins-Loveland area.

    You see an electric car here and there in Colorado up north in those two towns. An Ioniq was spotted, they’re a cool ev.

    Out of work, I’m out of my head
    Out of self respect, I’m out of bread
    I’m underloved, I’m underfed
    I wanna go home…

    Please don’t tell ’em how you found me
    Don’t tell ’em how you found me
    Gimme a break, give me a break
    – Albert Hammond, It Never Rains in Southern California

  10. I saw a video about this awhile back. Behind the cover for the tow hook on the front bumper are a positive and a negative cable that you hook a power source up to that will open the trunk which allows access to the 12V battery. I think they used a regular 9V as the power source.

  11. Solenoids are cheaper than gears and levers. Locks and windows lifts are a “piece of cake” now, and much cheaper. As long as they work. There have been many comments about losing the “wing vents”, but those things were expensive to build. Some were even gear and handle driven, not just unlatch and push. They were a big cost when the price of the car was sub-$2,000. Universal AC and reduced smoking has made most of their utility of no real value to consumers. So, at least in theory, part of the AC was paid for by getting rid of the vents.

    In the long run, though, mechanical door latches should be available and right at hand.

  12. If time is of the essence you break the window, and that’s what I guarantee you the fire department will do if there’s a baby in there suffocating.

    Yes buying a new window sucks, but if it’s urgent it’s worth it.

    No it’s not the best system. It’s a gimmick, not robust.

  13. “Luckily, a window had been left slightly cracked open, so the toddler didn’t suffocate.”.

    Say what???

    A vehicle with fully closed windows and doors isn’t air tight and there is zero risk of a person or animal suffocating from lack of oxygen.

    • “Fox says the woman didn’t get one about the tired state of her device’s 12 V battery until after it had already died. So when it just died, her toddler almost died. Or might have.”

      I’m having a really hard time telling who is being hyperbolic here.

      It’s time for the madness to stop. There is a reason trust in the media is at an all time low.

      No one almost died.

  14. The story should be clueless woman praises Tesla after locking her child in their car. Everything about cars that used to be simple now is not.

    BMW service dept told us last year we had to download the app to reset the clock lafter we switched to daylight savings. They said not even their techs can change it. I decided not to load the app since it asked for a lot of personal info and the next time it went in for servicing the tech updated the clock without even being asked. Is anything not pure BS these days?

    • ‘I decided not to load the app since it asked for a lot of personal info.’ — RS

      Precisely. The app is spyware. It includes geotracking, which in turn can be reported to insurance companies. JUST SAY NO.

    • Good call for the title RS, a normal person would never want to deal with Tesla again after such an experience. All these devices posing as vehicles are in gross violation of the KISS rule – Keep it Simple, Stupid.

  15. My first question was: Why didn’t the parents break the window?

    Then I saw the location. Seminole Heights. Tampa. Tesla owner.

    No further explanation necessary.

    The parents probably don’t even have a tool which would break the glass.

    Not that they would have done it. Getting the window replaced would have required sitting on a waiting list for months unless they have Elon’s in-house insurance coverage.

  16. Why does the Tesla (and every other EV) require a 12V accessory battery?

    Because it’s cheaper than adding a DC/DC power converter. That’s why.

    It would be a trivial matter to tap off the main battery with a 12VDC 20A power supply for accessories. The amount of electricity consumed by the 12V accessories would be trivial in the big picture. So why don’t they do it? Well, because an accessory battery is the cheaper solution. That lets Tesla use existing motors, electronics and wiring loom design that are common in the automotive industry. Why re-invent the wheel, right? Thing is, those accessories were designed for systems that have energy to spare. No one gets worried about the drag induced by an alternator. So they’re not optimized for efficiency. Tesla’s engineers could be designing high efficiency motors and low power electronics (and sell them to other manufacturers, Bosch style), but why would they? That’s not something the marketing department can use.

  17. Wow.

    People get aggravated with smartphones autocorrect. People get aggravated with the automated call trees that banks and other services use. Why don’t they get aggravated with “features” new cars offer?

    • Because autocorrect can be shut off and automated call trees can be avoided by choosing another bank or the direct connect to teller at any atm.

      Lotsa the new automotive gizmo/nanny crap cannot be disabled.

      And the poor embarrased slave is in hock for its shiny new $30k+ usery toy for the next
      6 years perhaps. Tends to plug the upper b hole.

  18. Tesla desperately need to resort to a plethora of silly, meaningless and occasionally even downright dangerous gimmicks, simply to deflect from the fact that the basic concept of a battery-electric vehicle is DOA, having been made obsolete by cars with internal combustion engines a century ago. Those of us who are not hypnotised by Tesla’s gimmicks understand that Tesla is at heart a technology laggard, and the exceptionally long charging times of their EVs is proof of that.

  19. When my house was broken into a number of years a go, the thieves stole the spare fob for my BMW. So, I had to get the locking mechanism reprogrammed, and 2 new fobs issued, which took a week (fobs shipped from New Jersey to California) and cost, IIRD, $1700/fob.
    Bring More Wallet, indeed.

    Contrast with calling a local locksmith to have your car door lock and ignition switch rekeyed.

  20. ‘Does unlocking a car need to be this complicated?’ — eric

    In a word: NO.

    Some functions are best performed mechanically. Rock solid reliability. No glitches. No low/dead battery contingencies. No need for cell signal reception.

    Cadillac’s buttonless glove box which has to be opened from the Clownscreen represents a high water mark in the insanity of turning simple functions into exasperating exercises.

    A PROPERLY DESIGNED VEHICLE DOES NOT REQUIRE ‘UPDATES.’

    • To put a finer point on it: I do not want to receive spam messages from my vehicle every day, nagging me to do this or look into that.

      I just want it to shut up, look pretty, and chauffeur me around in high style without all the needy-girlfriend ‘pay attention to me’ notifications.

      I do not have a vehicle app on my phone, nor do I ever intend to have one. #REJECT #BULLSHIT #UNACCEPTABLE

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