On Tuesday, my cat barfed all over my sail fawn. He had the right idea. It is something I have often thought of doing,myself. Or something else. But work makes it hard for me to not have a sail fawn and so I was obliged to venture to Evil Mart for a new one.
I have two interesting things to report.
The first being that sail fawns are in short supply. The Face-Tamponed drone behind the counter told me – after I asked him to say it again, since I had trouble understanding his mumblings as muffled by the Face Tampon secured over his orifice – that he only had Model X and Model Y; that all of the other models were “out of stock,” a thing that has never happened before, in my experience at least.
So I paid the most I have ever paid for a sail fawn – almost $70. Even though this is barely even a down payment on the sail fawns some people buy, it still chafes for a guy who uses a phone to make calls – which a $12 wall phone makes just as well and more reliably. But then, the cord does not extend beyond the bounds of my driveway and – like most – I am obliged to be “reachable” when away from home, for the sake of work.
I wandered around Evil Mart, to gauge the degree to which the evil has taken hold. Notwithstanding that there is no “mandate” to apply a Tampon to one’s Face in order to purchase not-cheap Chinese-made crap, downer cow meats and GMO-laden “food” within Evil Mart, about half of those within were wearing them.
Including a couple I observed with interest ordering two large portions of deep fried, sugary-coated “boneless” wings and General Tso’s “chicken” (if you can call it that). A husband and wife, both carrying around enough for a third. Each was at least 50 pounds overweight. Both were wearing Face Tampons.
Such people, unwilling to do anything to be healthy – such as choosing to not eat two large portions of deep-friend, sugary sauce-coated “food” . . . but so afraid for their health that they wear Face Tampons to get the food that is making them not-healthy.
Moseying over to the checkout kiosks I saw similar. Every other person wearing a Face Tampon was not only morbidly obese but furthering their morbid obesity, via the purchase of multiple six-packs of soda (sweetened with metabolic chaos-inducing High Fructose Corn Syrup) and bags of chips, along with the usual array of not-food sold at Evil Mart.
Are people really this dumb?
The late and very great comedian George Carlin thought so. He pointed out, in one of his epic rants, that the average person isn’t very bright. And then pointed out that half again aren’t as bright as that.
People like the ones I viewed at Evil Mart – who (apparently) are unable to notice they are extremely overweight and incapable of apprehending the risks to their health of being extremely overweight or unwilling to make the slightest effort of will to recover their health, as by not eating large portions of deep fried, sugar-coated garbage . . . but who are so worried about their health that they will wear Face Tampons . . . to get the not-food that is destroying their health.
This is sad, of course – and normally, I’d feel sympathy for these people or at least, pity them. Being stupid isn’t something you can help, after all. Do we fault deer for walking into the path of traffic?
The problem is that these “deer” are rabid.
They want you to be responsible for them walking into the path of traffic. They want you to “protect” their health by wearing Face Tampons – and receiving Arm Jabs. Never mind that neither even serves that purpose (more about that, here).
They demand you do it – because it makes them feel “safe.”
We ought to feel outraged.
I find myself having to be very careful not to mutter – Freak! – as I pass by these Face Tampon wearers. I have lost all sympathy for them. Not even the sympathy I feel for a rabid possum that I am forced to put down, in order to prevent the poor animal from biting me or one of my cats.
The rabid possum cannot help it, after all.
But these things? Shoveling load after load of fried, sugar-coated crap down their gullets, washed down with oceans of HFC soda, expanding to Hindenberg-esque girth and not showing the slightest concern for what they have done and are doing to their own health while expecting me to abide their idiotic and false “concerns”?
Richard Simmons, phone home.
. . .
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